larajhonson: How To Set Relationship Boundaries To Prevent Affairs

Solid relationships require work, setting boundaries and the use of good communication skills.?Many common issues in relationships are in regards to boundaries.??Throughout the course of my practice a number of individuals have often asked me questions like, ?Is flirting cheating?? or ?Is texting my ex cheating?? or ?Is kissing cheating??.??These questions represent relationship boundaries that have not been clearly identified or communicated.

In order to understand boundaries we first need to define boundaries and why they are important to a relationship.??Boundaries define what we are responsible for in the relationship and what behaviors and emotions we will or will not accept.??Boundaries can be viewed as a dividing line that includes physical and emotional limitations that we do not want crossed.

If the lines are crossed we may feel betrayed, angry, hurt or any other strong emotion.??Sometimes we don?t even realize that a boundary exists until it has been crossed and we are left to deal with the raw emotion that is left behind.

One may ask if establishing boundaries is appropriate in a relationship. Shouldn?t we just know not to hurt each other???Of course this seems like common knowledge, you are in a committed relationship therefore the boundary has been clearly set.??Well, not so fast.??If the boundary was clearly set and communicated then why are these questions so common?

Communicating and establishing boundaries is not disrespectful to your partner, but rather a safety net to protect your own emotions and the emotions of your partner.??Boundaries make you feel safe and secure in the relationship and should be looked at as healthy communication.??Essentially you are determining what you will and will not accept for behavior in a relationship.

Relationship boundaries emerge throughout the course of the relationship.??Every relationship goes through periods of good and bad times.??So setting boundaries to address everything a relationship may encounter is simply not possible.??However, setting boundaries according to how you feel when something happens is possible.

For example, a couple who has been together for several years finds themselves struggling in the relationship.??The woman in the relationship seeks out attention from other men and the male in the relationship responds to her actions by becoming angry.??Though the woman has not cheated on the man, she has created a situation in which her partner becomes angry.??When asked about this the woman responds that her partner shouldn?t feel upset because she hasn?t physically cheated on him.??This scenario clearly represents boundaries that have not been communicated but after defining the emotions of anger and hurt, can now be communicated and can hopefully be resolved.

Every couple has their own ideas about what boundaries mean to them.??The key in establishing boundaries is sharing with your partner how you feel about their behavior.??Often when we share feelings our partners are more receptive to change rather than when we place blame on them.??For instance if you say, ?When you talked to that girl I felt betrayed. What I would like is for you to not talk with girls that you don?t know when we go out? rather than ?I can?t stand you, you always do this to me, you?re a jerk!?.

In the first example you are sharing your emotion and setting a personal boundary.??In the second example you are placing blame and name calling. The first method of setting boundaries is assertive while the second is aggressive.??After you have communicated the boundary it is up to you to decide what to do next, accept or reject the behavior.

It is helpful when developing boundaries to first understand yourself.??Ask yourself what it is that you like or want in a partner.??Ask yourself if you are willing to sacrifice your own emotions for behavior that you do not like. Once you begin rationalizing your partner?s behavior or losing your sense of self, then you should think about going back to the drawing board of self discovery.

So to answer the original questions, ?Is flirting cheating?? or ?Is texting my ex cheating?? or ?Is kissing cheating?? my response would be to say that it depends.??It depends upon the emotions you felt when you found out that your partner did those things.??It depends if you had to sacrifice your own emotions to resolve the issue.

It depends if your emotions represented a boundary left undiscovered.??On the other hand if you were the one to do these things within the relationship I would suggest that you embark on a journey of self discovery to uncover what your current relationship is providing you and what you may be seeking by reaching out to others.

Understanding yourself is key to identifying boundaries in a relationship.??In a relationship that is healthy you most likely would not find yourself sacrificing your own emotions to salvage the relationship.??Instead you will find yourself establishing boundaries through effective communication, mutual respect and understanding.

About the author

Dr. Teralyn Sell is a Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice located in Wisconsin.??She has a PhD in Psychology, a Master?s Degree in Counseling Psychology and holds a variety of specialty certifications.??Dr. Sell is an interactive, strength based therapist. Her therapeutic approach is one of practical feedback and support combined with compassion and acceptance of personal differences. In addition to being a therapist, Dr. Sell is also recognized by the State of Wisconsin as a Master Level Trainer in the Early Childhood Education and has a great interest in families and parenting.

To know more about Dr. Teralyn, visit her website,?www.innerstrengthcounselingandrecovery.com.